Tracing Your Birth Mother

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If tracing your birth mother is something that you are looking to do.

Then please read through this amazing story.

To be honest this will be of interest to anyone who has searched for a person or is thinking of doing so and that’s why it’s this week’s blog post.

This is a 100% genuine email that I received last week. I thought it would make a great blog post as it really goes deep on what this means to people.

My name is David Oates, I am the Head Researcher at Relative Connections, you can view my LinkedIn by clicking here. I am also the director of the adoption support agency which is regulated by Ofsted.

As with previous customer emails we pass this around the office so the team can see how important the work we carry out is to people. So whether you are tracing your birth mother or someone else I think you’ll find some really great stuff in here. I love the part where she phones her birth mother for the first time…

Here is the story in our clients own words,

“Again apologies this has taken me so long but hopefully it will be of some use to you.

I’ve tried to answer your questions as truthfully as possible, but to be perfectly honest with you to some extent it’s nigh on impossible to actually put some of my feelings into words, however I’ve given it my best shot!

The feelings that initiated my latest decision to search for my birth mother were probably just feelings of time running out. I have always known I was adopted and I’ve always had a deep need to find my birth mother but out of respect for my adoptive parents I have never really done much about it.

However I was aware that none of us is going to live forever and I would not have forgiven myself if I’d left it too late so to speak.

For myself the feelings and reasons for wanting to find my birth mother were various.

There were the practical reasons such as wanting some sort of medical history.

So many times throughout my life doctors have asked for any family medical history and every time that I have answered that I didn’t have any due to being adopted I’ve felt a sort of shame mixed with worry that I was missing some important information I should know.

This may sound silly but common sense does get rather mixed up with emotion sometimes.

Another reason for wanting to find my birth mother was a feeling I’ve had that my life was a bit like a book with the first chapter missing, so it didn’t make much sense so to speak.

I also wanted to know if I’d been loved or was just seen as a terrible mistake, which would have been hard to take, but was still a question that needed to be answered.

I had done a couple of searches before. The first time was sixteen years ago using a professional but I backed out before it had really begun as my marriage ended and I felt it would possibly be too much emotionally to handle at that time.

Over the last couple of years I have been online myself and attempted to do some research, but armed with very little information I found it quite tough. I thought a couple of people were possible, but I lacked anything solid to prove it.

Neither of them were by the way!

I initially saw Relative Connections on Facebook.

This was last summertime I think, and I supplied my email address and mobile number but the first couple of times you called I was at work and unable to answer. Then I decided it would be too expensive for me at that time – finding excuses perhaps! – And I just put it to the back of my mind. Then in early December I received an email from you offering to find her again.

I couldn’t find any excuses at that point and something just made me respond. I felt very happy to go ahead as I was impressed with how friendly everyone I spoke to was. I felt I was well informed at every point as to possible outcomes and how the process worked. I confess my memory of the events of that week and the following week are a little hazy as I think I was in a state of shock! I think I just kind of decided to jump in and go with the flow.

I do remember being terrified that you would be unable to find her as this would mean game over so to speak. At the same time I was terrified that you would find her – that she wouldn’t respond, or she would respond and deny all knowledge of me, or confirm that she was my birth mother but wanted no contact with me.

I must admit that at that point it did seem that the outcome I was hoping for seemed to be rather a slim chance and I had a couple of sleepless nights.

When I was told that you believed you had found her, I was shocked to say the least, and scared too, for the reasons I’ve just mentioned and the thought of a rejection. If that had happened I would have been truly devastated and this was one of the reasons I decided to use your intermediary service.

I thought that way I could remain a little detached from the whole thing and therefore felt more protected. Whilst waiting for a response to the letter everything felt a little unreal and to some extent I had to block off from it all.

It’s difficult to cope with something this big, you have to understand this has been a huge thing in my life and the fact I was eventually going to get some sort of conclusion to it was extremely frightening. When I received the call to say she had responded and confirmed she was my birth mother I felt utterly and totally shocked.

I’m very grateful for how understanding and professional you were during that call and was very pleased that you offered to call back later when it had sunk in! Nothing in my life could have prepared me for that call– obviously I felt relief that she had confirmed who she was- but to then find out she was happy to have been found was beyond my wildest dreams.

I think it was wise to wait a couple of days before contacting each other as it had all happened so very quickly I think we both needed to get our heads around it. I was an emotional wreak on the day I was going to call her, in fact I had to leave work early.

The build-up of emotion was just too much. It was surreal to think I was actually going to speak to my birth mum that evening! When the time came I had a couple of glasses of wine under my belt for Dutch courage and a hefty pile of tissues by my side.

All through my life the very subject of my adoption and my birth mum had always resulted in tears so I was expecting to get very upset during the call. I dialed her number and she answered immediately.

It was the most fabulous conversation I have ever had. Obviously I would prefer to keep the details private but suffice to say it was as perfect as it possibly could have been. She said everything I’ve always wanted to hear and was obviously a lovely lady. To my utter surprise I didn’t need to use one single tissue, I felt far from upset. Instead I had an overwhelming sense of complete peace.

I shall never ever forget that phone call. I think we both felt an immediate bond. We continue to talk on the phone and to email. We have exchanged photographs and have decided to wait a little while getting to know one another slowly and gently before meeting. Our first meeting is planned for my birthday in April, which will be both poignant and milder, allowing us to go for a long spring walk together. I’m busy creating a scrapbook of ‘my life’ to give to her when we meet to give her a little of my life that she’s missed.

I truly cannot fully express to you how grateful I am for not only finding my birth mum for me but for your utter professionalism throughout the process. Your kindness and understanding made the whole process much, much easier”

What a fantastic story I have nothing more to add, it makes me proud of Relative Connections.

If you’re ready to start your search phone us today on 0113 282 5900. Alternately if you are looking  at tracing your birth mother  and want to know more about the service click here. We hope this gave you some hope for tracing your birth mother.